Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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