I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize