So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
