Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
