so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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