Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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