he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
