ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
