You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
