My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
