Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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