hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I did not marry a roomba.
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