whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
