Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
