i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
