all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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