Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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