Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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