how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize