Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We were destined to go to rehab together
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
