Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
