billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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