frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
