My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
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