I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
