Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
