my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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