I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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