she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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