too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
