My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize