Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
