totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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