I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
