Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
