Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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