If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
