I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Why is your signature on my underwear?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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