This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we made out on top of his cat.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Randomize