Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
