my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
