So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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