I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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