I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
