I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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