pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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