Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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