i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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