guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
