apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
