oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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