Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
