if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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