we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
