I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
