just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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