I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize