Umm I'm too high to move.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Damn victory sex feels great
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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