He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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