mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
