just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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